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DougMart's consistent "All Dougs, All the Time" staffing policy, as well as its Doug-pure workforce, are well known to DougMart customers. However, owing to a recent strike among the DougUnion, not to mention desperate and repeated phone calls (and accompanying bribes), DougMart has hired a staff writer who is...and we apologize for this...not a Doug. DougMart's staff writer is Phil Elmore, who has written many of the articles on DougMart's pages. A complete archive of Mr. Elmore's Doug and Non-Doug writing may be found at http://home.att.net/~philelmore. While DougMart has made him an "honorary Doug," the fact remains that Mr. Elmore (second cousin thrice removed to DougMart shipping manager Doug Elmore) contains no authenticated DougNA (DougOxyRiboNucleic Acid, the building block of all Dougs at the genetic level), and can produce no Doug-umentation documenting his claims to Dougnity. "The situation is under control," shipping manager Doug Elmore told DougMart interviewers. "My fifth cousin, or whatever he is, writes like a chimpanzee sniffing rubbing alcohol, but I don't see why he can't continue to contribute, in his mediocre fashion." When pressed for further details, Doug muttered something about "climbing the nearest water tower with a rifle" and went home for the remainder of the day. "I'm prepared to announce," Phil Elmore said in response, "that I am willing to undergo a complete Dougification. The doctors give me a forty percent chance of survival, but that's a chance I'm willing to take. If my body does not reject the brain chip or the lymphatic implants, I will probably have at least thirty percent use of my arms and legs, though it's possible I'll have an induced case of Tourette's Syndrome." Dougification, a process perfected by the Doug Institute Pacifica (DIP), is complex and controversial. A bone saw is used to open the top of the patient's skull, and an Intel Doug86 processor wired to the brain. The external battery pack (which weighs between fifty and sixty pounds, depending on options) is surgically grafted to the left shoulder, and a high-voltage power cable connected between the two. Once the processor is in place, hundreds of DougStations are surgically inserted in the nodes of the lymphatic system, where they pump synthesized DougNA into the patient's body at timed intervals. Follow-up surgery is required annually to refill the reservoirs contained within the DougStations. "As elective surgeries go, it should be pretty simple," Phil Elmore stated cheerfully. "And I'm prepared to do whatever it takes to legitimize my Dougnity." When asked about the possibility of induced Tourette's Syndrome, Phil insisted on looking on the bright side of things. "I've been practicing my swearing," he revealed. "Hanging out in biker bars, trolling the docks and bantering with hookers, that sort of thing. And I've been working on my uncontrolled outbursts, particularly at work and in church. There's no reason you can't approach this sort of thing with enthusiasm." |
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