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Crop Circle Templates for Dummies |
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The DougMart New Revised Expanded and Expurgated Dictionary defines a crop circle as "Any of several cool, swirly patterns made in crops of corn, wheat, or other plants or vegetables, which are quite obviously evidence of alien visitation when viewed from above by people in airplanes, lawyers in helicopters, aliens in flying saucers, or mystic shamans named "Jorge" riding giant enchanted geese (or any of several species of enchanted and unnaturally large and semi-intelligent mammals; see also Rosie O'Donnell)." Aerial photographs have revealed hundreds of crop circle incidents in our own country and in third world nations such as England or the District of Columbia. Enchanting as these cosmic pieces of performance-art can be, DougMart is fully aware that the enterprising Doug (or other contributing members of society) might wish to create a crop circle or three of his own. Ever vigilant and willing to respond to market demands, DougMart has available several templates for use in manufacturing Crop Circles. THE DOUGMART CROP CIRCLE TEMPLATE COLLECTION |
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Item #1001, "ZOSO"
The "ZOSO" is a set of patterns which replicate the incomprehensible symbols found on the cover of the "Led Zeppelin 4" album. Consisting of approximately 2 nautical miles* (3.6 kilometers) of tissue paper with silk-screened directions, the "ZOSO" is perfect for creating mystical shapes in the neighbor's crops. As a bonus, this pattern will impress upon your friends precisely how cool you must be to remember Led Zeppelin, the surviving members of which are approximately three thousand years old. The first one hundred orders will receive patterns signed in disappearing ink by libidinous lead singer Robert Plant.
*Quantities of tissue paper in excess of 0.5 nautical miles require extra shipping and may be too large to ship UPS. Contact DougMart shipping manager Doug Elmore for further information. |
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Item #1004, "Bart Simpson"
Hand-laminated cardboard squares, manufactured using the finest available Third World child labor, combine using patented Voolcro (TM) hook-and-loop technology to form our superbly crafted Bart Simpson. Add a can of white spray paint for authentic "googly Bart eyes" when viewed from above, and you will be the envy of all your neighbors (or at least those neighbors possessing private aircraft). Some assembly required; DougMart is not responsible for any copyright violations resulting from the illegal use of Bart Simpson's image. |
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Item #1008, "Janet Reno"
Based on DougMart's popular Janet Reno Halloween pumpkin-carving pattern, this hand-cut, genuine Douglas Fir template will leave the imprint of the Clinton Administration Attourney General in the crop field of your choice. Extremely popular with children; order Item #1008-g and receive thirty gallons of gasoline for that authentic "scorched earth/UFO landing zone" effect. Matches not included. |
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Item #1012, "Doug"
DougMart's bestseller, a 2.6 nautical mile tissue paper template of DougMart CEO Doug Meisch. DougMart is not responsible for emotional trauma inflicted on viewers. Extra shipping. |
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Item #1015, "Creepy Alien Letters"
Our most authenticly extraterrestrial template, the "Creepy Alien Letters" template is a compilation of various real and hoaxed crop circles from the last thirty years. Compiled of cardboard with Voolcro (TM) fasteners, the collection comes complete with alien body parts* to leave strewen about the "landing site." Order Item #1015-g for gasoline.
*Alien body parts include but are not restricted to: 10% ET, 25% muppet, 30% homeless persons. Not a significant source of protein or vitamins A, C, D. |
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In applying your crop circles, DougMart suggests the Official DougMart Crop Jim Beam Tractor-Steam Roller*, Item #2001. Hand-assembled of Lego (TM) blocks in Sweden, home of the Swedish LegoManiac Collective. Delivered with complimentary meatballs.
*Gasohol Fuel not included; order Item 2002 for Gasohol (not intended for human consumption, but imparts a "wicked buzz.")
**Please allow 4-8 months for delivery. Click here for Happy crop circling! Disclaimer: DougMart is not responsible for legal, logistical, moral, ethical, or social implications or results stemming from creating crop circles. DougMart assumes no liability for alien abduction. |
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