Scientists in an unnamed country that is not our own have determined that chronic depresssion, anxiety, job dissatisfaction, or simple unhapiness can be alleviated or eliminated by the application of copious amounts of alcohol. "I have to admit, we were good and blitzed when we came up with the theory," one of the unnamed scientists blurted drunkenly. "Come to find out, it was a pretty good one. Who’da thunk it, huh? Guess we can clear out of here early this weekend." The sloppy, seventeen-page report, which in some sections is written in crayon and smeared with unidentifiable liquids, is not available for direct examination by the public. Bravely volunteering to test this theory, Technical Support operative Doug Kendall spent seventy-two straight hours drinking cheap domestically-produced beer. "I was miserable when I started," Doug admitted, "but I couldn’t be happier now. In fact, I can’t feel my legs. Here, stab me in the thigh with a fork. I can’t feel it. I can’t feel it. I can’t feel it. I...I think I’ve gone blind." Determined to advance the frontiers of science, DougMart's staff vowed to continue pouring liquor into Doug Kendall until he lost consciousness, and then for several hours after that. At press time, none of the study’s results were available, but it was noted that Jello Shots were being prepared. "We’ve planned for every contingency," shipping manager Doug Elmore remarked. "Nothing will stand in the way of science. Nothing." |
