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DougMart Newswire, June 2000 -- Presidential hopeful and Texas Governor George W. Bush bowed to political pressure today, announcing the suspension of his state's death penalty and publicly unveiling his Adopt-a-Felon program, which has been running in pilot form since early January. "We've seen a lot of positive response," Bush told assembled reporters, "particularly from the senior citizen community. We are listening to the voters, and the message is clear: a segment of the population does not wish to see violent murderers executed when they can be used for the benefit of society, or for household chores." The Adopt-a-Felon (AaF) program works much like the nation's many successful Adopt-a-Highway programs, although sponsors do not physically repaint or gather refuse from their murderers. Interested citizens log on to the state's AaF website, http://adoptafelon.texas.gov , and choose from a list of former death-row inmates. Photographs are provided, as well as brief biographies, and an up-to-date rap sheet of the felon's crimes. "The rap sheet is an important component," Bush explained. "Clearly, if you're looking for a felon to wash your car, you'd select someone with a history of carjacking or even auto theft, because he'd appreciate a fine automobile. If you want someone to care for your garden, a serial killer might be your guy, if he has a history of burying his victims under his garden. Really, this program is what you make of it. You can select from several hundred hardened killers, as well as a few first-time spouse murderers. Although we've tried to stick with real death row material. People aren't interested in death-row-wannabes." Bush stressed there is no limit to applications for AaF. Sponsors sign out their felon at the nearest prison as early as 6:00 a.m., and are required to bring the murderer back by 10:00 p.m. curfew. There are certain guidelines for the program -- felons cannot be forced to submit to organ harvestation or be transported outside United States borders, for instance --but participants can be used for virtually any labor-saving purpose. "Until curfew," Bush said, "your felon is yours. He can clean your house or paint it. He can take your tapes or DVDs back to the video store. He can tuck your children in at night, walk your dog, cook your dinner. You give your felon a loving, caring environment, free of his prison's walls for the day, and in turn your felon gives you his willing servitude." DougMart's own shipping manager, Doug Elmore, is a commuter and resident of Texas. His was one of the families privileged to participate in the AaF pilot program, dubbed "Productive Prison Pals." "I looked at the website," Doug told DougMart interviewers, "and with a few clicks I found Russell. Russell's biography said he was found sitting in an armchair made of human skin, wearing a victim's large intestine for a hat. He had managed to cram over one hundred and fifty bodies in his basement, attic, and buried in his front and side yards. Imagine that. One hundred and fifty. Now that is space management. Only the inground pool kept him from filling the back, he told me. I tell you, I took one look at those stats, and the picture of Russell and his bulging muscles, and I said, 'Doug, this is the kind of innovation you need in Shipping. This guy can pack. He's perfect for the warehouse." Five days a week, Russell White, the felon in question, may be observed stacking crates in the DougMart central shipping complex. With a proud Doug Elmore looking on, Russell demonstrated for DougMart's interviewers that he is a dedicated employee with an excellent work ethic. "Russell no kill," Mister White stated repeatedly. "Russell no kill. Russell promise." "Bush has got the right idea," Doug Elmore stated happily. "Why throw them away when you can invite them into your home to polish your flatware? He's got my vote." Russell made it clear that, while he is not allowed to vote as a convicted felon, he would be following the presidential elections with interest. "Russell no kill," he said. |
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