DougMart Ventilation System Infested With Elephants. Maintenance Teams Scramble to Remove Wrinkly Pests Much to the chagrin of the DougMart maintenance and janitorial staff, the DougMart offices have once again become plagued with African elephants. While they have occupied the subbasement level for years, says DougMart shipping manager Doug Elmore, the creatures have recently made their way into the cold air return -- and, ultimately, the industrial boilers that supply power to the DougMart server. "It's gotten pretty bad," Doug admitted. "For the third time in a week we've had an elephant trapped in the boiler, and when that happens, we've got no choice but to shut everything down." Doug detailed the process for elephant extraction. "First you've got to slather them with butter," he stated, "then you use crowbars to pry them loose. If you don't get the boiler shut down in time, they roast in there. Of course, the upside is that you've already marinated them in butter, and damn, them's good eatin'." When pressed, Doug admitted he was joking about that last comment, and stated flatly that no elephants have been harmed -- or eaten. "But the problem of elephant infestation remains," Doug said. "We've been freeing them and setting them loose in the neighborhood, but there are more than we can keep up with." When asked how the neighbors were handling the influx of giant mammals, Doug shrugged. "I think they stomped a school playground flat two days ago," he said, "but that's really not my problem. I live in a different district." Editor's note: The elephant photo was scanned from an Armstrong Industrial Tools advertisement, which is the funnist thing Doug Elmore has seen in years. |
