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One of the tragedies of modern times is that civilized people believe circuses -- and especially clowns -- constitute little more than an amusing way to spend an afternoon. While it is true that children find it amusing when bears and acrobats are set on fire and forced to jump through hoops, or when the Intellectually Challenged are dressed in helmets and sequin-festooned spandex in order to be fired through giant cannons at brick walls under the mistaken belief that they will not be horribly and spectacularly killed, these wholesome family activities are overshadowed by the white-faced, bulbous-nosed spectre of circus clowns. These monstrous creatures, who as of this writing are allowed to roam freely through our society, harbor the potential to destroy us all. How, you may ask? The answer is simple:
Clown Rabies. Until our government takes the initiate to round up the White-Faced, Red-Nosed, Water-Squirting-Lapel-Flower-Wearing Menace, it falls upon the individual citizen to remain ever vigilant in the presence of clowns. While not all clowns are in the grip of Clown Rabies (CR), any of them could go rabid, at any time. Thus, one must always be alert for the warning signs of CR. At the first indication of CR in a clown, it is the duty and obligation -- not to mention privilege and utter pleasure -- of the productive and contributing member of society to report the diseased clown to Animal Control. WARNING SIGNS OF CLOWN RABIES
1. Foaming at the mouth (usually in one of the two Primary Cotton Candy Colors, red or blue)
2. Poor, misshapen balloon animals, sometimes only partially inflated
3. A delerious tendency to make statements antithetical to clown kind, such as, "Gosh, perhaps painting my face and scaring children is no way for a grown man to make a living."
4. Listlessness (Some rabid clowns will be content to lay tangled in a pile with their brethren in their little tiny cars, rather than exiting the vehicle with flourish)
5. Severe diarrhea
Be warned: A rabid clown is dangerous. Some have been known to throw buckets of confetti, which is normal clown behavior. But a rabid clown will lace his confetti with his own filth, razor blades, thumb tacks, or -- even worse -- political leaflets. Often, it is the children who suffer. Rabid clowns will roam in packs, tousling the hair of any small children they encounter, all the while threatening to force their victims to ride on the backs of foul-smelling circus elephants. "Laugh or we'll contact our evil friends the Mimes!" is also a common rabid clown threat (although an empty one, as mimes are the sworn enemies of clowns and often engage in vicious, near-silent gang wars with clown kind, the honking of bicycle horns and the clatter of machine gun bulletins the only sounds to be heard). DougMart urges you, the DougMart customer base, to contact your local, State, and Federal representatives, and urge that Clown Containment and Pacification Acts be enacted immediately. Only if we work together can we rid our society of this potentially lethal threat. Only by proving to the lawless clowns who their true masters are will forge for our children a society in which they can be proud to live. Down with clowns! Down with clowns! Power to the populace! We at DougMart thank you for your time. |
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