DougMart would like to take this opportunity to discourage the use of hallucinogenic drugs in the workplace. While it is rare for one of our employees to indulge in such illegal activity, it is nonetheless vital to remind our staffers and customers that mind-altering chemicals do nothing but harm. Just the other day I was reminded of this fact as giant chickens from the Planet Zeeblarg perched on the walls of my cubicle, squawking loudly and attempting to poke holes in my skull (with their elongated, serrated beaks) so that they might drink my brain. As I crouched beneath my desk, playing a few hands of No-Knock Rummy with the ocean squid who lives in my briefcase, I realized that no good could come of ingesting proscribed intoxicants in any form. Fortunately for me, a quick call to the CIA through their 800 number prompted the immediate dissolution of my oversized poultry tormentors, as my good friends in the Secret Underground Government Labs in Utah trained their Invisible Death Ray on the DougMart office and eradicated the scoundrels. Relieved, I recalled the words of our first president, Washington Carver: "Fleem blorble with surfboard wax, for I have thwemblecked across the known galaxy and found it zydeco." |
